2024 Recap

 Well, what a weird-ass timeline have we been thrown into this year!  They're trying to tell us that the Bald Eagle is now officially our National Bird (when it always has been according to my knowledge), apparently aliens are living in the oceans (but they have yet to save us from ourselves), orbs and drones have been sighted in the skies along with a mysterious fog that doesn't act like real fog, and a host of other weird things going on.

Wild, I tell you; wild!

This year's booklist looks more like a slaughterhouse than a "read pile" with the amount of abandoned books that I did not finish.  10 out of 50 I left unread.  They were just trash, for the most part.  But I had some really stellar gems in those 40 that I did finish.  The most recent was a book called The Shadow Key by Susan Stokes-Chapman.  That was a lovely gothic novel that I truly enjoyed and will be reading more of Ms. Stokes-Chapman's works in the future.  The other one I was really surprised by was An Intrigue of Witches by Esme Addison.  It's always lovely to find a nice local author, and even better when you find that they've written something magical that transports you right into the world they've written.  Even now, months later, I can still vividly recall how she set the scenes up.  Simply beautiful!

My goals for the year fared much worse than my booklist.  I wanted to have this separation all taken care of and done and dusted by the end of the year.  Unfortunately, it has been nothing but a long hurry up and wait.  I was hoping that I'd have my finances all squared away after dealing with it.  But, here I linger...waiting.  And to top it off, my car got totaled earlier this month, and I'm waiting on information on that before I get another.  So, to say my goals are a WASH is an understatement.  But, I've survived another year. So, that's something.

The year did have it's moments though.  

My niece has been a bright spot and watching her grow has been a lot of fun.  Spa days with her are the best days!  

Being in my happy place (iykyk) has also been wonderful.  Getting to hear those waves roll in gives me peace.  

In August I found my first live sand dollar while I was holding my niece's hand in the water.  So, that was  really cool!  

I had another hurricane on my birthday, but still enjoyed it!  I went to Tweetsie Railroad for the first time ever on my birthday week and that was cute.  Sadly, the weekend after Helene came through and destroyed a lot of the area.  Hopefully it will recover.

I celebrated 5 years at my second job this past year.  I can hardly believe I've been there that long.  And at my main job, I will celebrate 25 years of service  next year!  It's funny how I've been in the same sector for so long that people who knew me when I started in my 20's are now coming back into my life, and it's so delightful to see us at the (almost) end of our journeys.  After next year, only 5 years left!

I've got a lot of projects in the works for 2025, and I'm getting started on them already now.  And despite all the setbacks of 2024, I'm motivated to get those items crossed off my list.  I'm really optimistic about it.  Now, as long as my body and the universe cooperates!

Happy New Year

Loyalty

 "Loyalty is a prison to the loyal and a convenience for the recipients" ~My Journal 3/8/22

I've been thinking a lot about this statement I wrote in my journal a few years back and how true it was then, and how it remains true to this day.  And I've been reflecting on how I've turned my back on "loyalty" that is forced from me.

Perhaps it's the political climate we're living in where one party's loyalty to their chosen leader seems to be almost unhinged in it's ideals.  It's as if they're stuck in a prison of their own making and anything contradicting their view is a visceral threat to their well being.

Perhaps it's that I'm in a place now where I am not forced into fealty to a higher management's eccentric and irrational whims to prove that I am doing what's best for the organization, despite their desperate attempts to dismantle it piece by piece until all that is left is dysfunction and "yes-men."

Perhaps I feel more secure in myself and offer loyalty only to those who give it in return.  Those who are worthy of my effort. And those who have been through the fires of Mordor with me, only to have us arrive outside the hell-scape slightly worse for wear, but intact - loyalties forged even stronger than before.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is more worth noting is the "convenience" of the loyalty.  How easily it was given by me in exchange for so little in return.  It didn't mean anything when I ceased giving my loyalty to unworthy people.  They just silently disappeared from my life.  Not even a word of protest.  Because it was more a hassle than convenience for them to try to keep my loyalty.  

This also includes brands and companies with their rewards points (or lack thereof). If there's not a brand loyalty program, or a strong brand quality assurance then I tend not to invest my consumer dollars in that brand/company.  I think on reflection, I make these companies and brands work harder in the past for my loyalty than I do the people, and jobs in my life.

Wow...that's sad.

But at least I have let the unworthy go.  Anyway, this is your sign, dear readers, to let them go.  A more updated saying is "If they _____, let them." Don't give your loyalty away to those who see it as a convenience.  

2nd Verse, Same as the 1st

 I'm seeing weird parallels between last time the Velveeta Voldemort was elected into office.

The year in review 2022 - cha-cha-cha-cha-changes

Okay, it's clearly been a hot minute. Frankly, I felt unispired to write, or be creative in any way. Between the pineapple express (I mean, pandemic), work, and a health issue that croppped up this year, I've been so burnt out these past few years, I'm surprised I wrote anything at all at the end of them (and I see now, that I skipped writing anything in 2021 for an end of year review).

This year has been strange, to say the least.  2023 brought joy (the birth of my neice) and sorrow (the death of my nephew). It had it's share of bittersweet, to say the least.

Leaving Parks and Recreation for the Administrative Office of the Courts mid-year, brought me a well-loved job and new friendly faces to get to know.

This year, I've been able to visit the coast far more frequently than in years past.  With my new job allowing me to telework 3 days a week, I'm able to do it more frequently, though I do still telework from Raleigh as well.  It's something I'd like to do more of next year, as I will make it a top priority in 2023.

I had the wonderful opportunity to go to the mountains for my birthday, and spend it with the man I adore.  And I was lucky enough to squeeze in a trip to the outter banks this year as well.  Okracoke, for the first time ever.

I've already set aside a journal prompt for twice a month for next year.  I hope that I can stick with it, because I've been terrible about journaling and meditating.  It's amazing how when I'm not stressed out, I don't think about it at all.  But I know it should be an important piece of my life, because it would make these year-end reviews so much easier to write! lol

I've had to sing a farewell song to my Honda CRV.  It was a very sad moment. And although I continue to miss the CRV, I am so grateful I was able to replace it with a Mini Cooper. (Let's be honest, I'm grateful I was able to replace it at all!)  

One of the things I'm really surprised at, is how many books I read this year.  And that's mostly because for some of the books I started reading, if they didn't engage my interest (even if it was a follow up to something I liked), I put it down and had no regrets.  I'm embracing "the time is not right for this" and "I absolutely hate this, so why am I trying to finish it?" as a standard mentality.  Maybe it's because I'm middle-aged that I've decided my time is not to be wasted on things I despise or am even lack-luster about, unless they are essential to my survival.  So, 30 out of the 34 books I attempted, is pretty darned good, I think!  It's not my best, but it's not zero!

And just for a recapture, even though my hard drive crashed last year, from what I could recount, I had at least 13 that I was able to account for (thank you library history!)

I haven't done any baking, and not much experimenting in the kitchen this year.  And I'm kind of sad about that.  But I've been on auto-pilot.  And with the health challenge from earlier this year, that knocked a lot of my energy to do anything about it right out of me.  It was survival mode, and nothing more.

Things I'm particularly grateful for include spending time with friends and family this year, surviving the health issue (it's chronic, not covid), and changing my job for more freedom and slightly better pay (which means less stress).

I think one of the the most important things I'd like to focus on next year is organization.  I want to keep my inbox at work as tidy as I have been able to keep it this year.  And I want to just continue to organize my life.  I know, super boring, right?


How's your year been?  What are you most grateful for this past year?  What can't you get enough of and want to bring into next year?

What I did in 2020

Beautiful sunset.  Just because.

 Another year, albeit a weird one, has come to a close.  What a wild ride that was.  In some ways it was SO very different.  Working from home.  Being furloughed for a while.  Moving almost all doctor appointments to telehealth.  Libraries closed.  Everything shut. 

Then suddenly going back to my part time that I was fuloughed from and having face-to-face contact with people on a multiple times per week schedule.  Being able to go to the dentist again.  Getting my mammogram in person.  Going out to eat.  Toilet paper back in stock.

Just wild.

But, all that said, I did accomplish quite a bit this year.

• 
  I narrated and produced an audiobook that debuted in December.  In addition to reading that, I produced a second that has yet to debut.
• I also read and completed, for my own personal knowledge, 36 books.  With an additional 6 that I abandoned because I got bored.
• I put puzzles together with my father and saw movies with him (all before lockdown).
• I've been mailing cards during the pandemic to people I care about. Sending sunshine to brighten days, while helping the post office. 
• A new sushi place was revealed to me, and I've delighted in it ever since.
• In June 2020 I reached a milestone of 50 days where I meditated.  And then in November, I reached 100 days of meditation.
• I was fortunate enough to celebrate (although, alone) my 20th year working for the State of North Carolina.  That means I've been working for a total of 22 years of my 41 years on this earth.  I've now worked half my life.
• The kitchen renovation was completed in February, right before covid hit.  So, it was wonderful to have a kitchen again after not having it for 6 months.  And just in time!
• 
  I've sucessfully migrated to a new phone, with the almost death of my old one.
• Saw the Outter Banks for the first time, thanks to one of my favorite people, who decided to book her birthday trip there.  I was so grateful to be invited to spend time with her and her friends.
• I went to my first ever haunted house this year with another of my favorite people.
• I was introduced to Szcheuan Hot Pot this year.  So much fun!
• I have really honed my skills at creating weekly goals and habit trackers this
  past 6 months.
• I honed my scone and spring roll recipes.  And I have tested out my Instant Pot Vortex Oven/Fryer.
• I've played with new makeup color combinations this year.  Most people seem bored senseless by this, so I've stopped posting my creations.  But I still enjoy doing them and having fun.
  
• I completely changed my haircolor.
• I got my first Henna tattoo from a woman from Bangledesh.  It was intricate, and a wonderfully soothing experience.

I have been, and continue to be, grateful for the people who have stuck by me this year.  When it has been so easy for everyone to just hole up in their own covid-bubble worlds.  The people who made time to talk to me, see me, and invest their time in me are so appreciated.  

Mind you, there have been moments of saddness.  To keep it real, there have been major disappointments in situations, people who were in my life, and myself.  It's not all perfection.  But, yearly, I celebrate the accomplishments.  Not the failures, setbacks and disappointments.  Those are for my personal blog.  Just know they exist.  So, if you're struggling - you're not alone.   

Covidepression

It is a rainy Saturday.  It has been a rough week.  Social distancing is taking its toll. Even on this introvert.

After days and days of continuing on in this new normal, I feel the weight of "get up and get dressed; you'll feel better" pressing down on my psyche, making me feel worse about not doing just that.

Right now, there seems no point to it.  Why would I need or want to get up and get dressed when I am going nowhere?  I will see no one but my cat.

Even scrolling thru Instagram looking at new makeup isn't bringing me joy or inspiration. 

I'm coining this feeling of general idgaf apathy  "Covidepression" 
Because, this isn't normal depression.  This is situational depression at its finest, because it is effecting us all.  Well, a good portion of us anyway.

Fresh Spring Rolls Recipe

It's spring time!   The mint is in bloom!   That means it's time for spring rolls.

Spring rolls are really easy to make, and you can add a variety of things to them.  In summer time, I particularly like to add fresh basil to them - especially after it's bloomed when the leaves take on a more peppery flavor.

Some of my friends enjoy dipping these in peanut sauce.  I enjoy dipping them in sweet thai chili sauce.  It's a lot of fun to get a bunch of different sauces together and try them out.  Maybe some hoisin, or plum sauce, or even just regular duck sauce.   Y'all do you.

Please note that this recipe does not contain measurements.  See the last paragraph for measurement guidelines.  This is definitely more of an advanced recipe in that regard.  You'll be able to taste what is right for your palate, and I am not going to hold you back from your destiny in that regard.  I have included pictures below as well so that you don't have to scroll thru them to get to the recipe (I friggin hate that).

Fresh Spring Rolls

• Cellophane Noodles (the thin ones used in Mai Fun)
• Cellophane wrapper papers
• Precooked jumbo shrimp  (or chicken, or crab, or anything else you want to put in)
• Dipping sauce of your choice (mine is the sweet thai chili)
• Sesame Oil or Rice wine vinegar  (or both)
• Cheap garden salad blend (the iceberg with the carrots)
• Fresh Mint, Fresh Basil, or any other fresh herbs you want to use.  Sometimes I use both.
• Chinese Five Spice Powder
• Salt & Pepper

Thaw the shrimp under running water.  Take any of the shells off if you need to.  If doing chicken or crab, prepare them how you want to.  Make sure that they're cold, but not frozen.

Prepare cellophane noodles according to package directions.  (usually it's boil till they're translucent, and then drain them.)   Run them under cool water in a colander when complete till they are cold.  You can add them back to the same pot, as long as the pot is cold as well.  You may wish to cut them for ease of eating and working with.  If so, I use the Pampered Chef Salad Choppers.    Add some of the ricewine vinegar and sesame oil to this and massage into the noodles.  Just enough that they're not soggy.  You'll want them to be dry enough to have the ricepaper wrapper stick to them.  Add salt and pepper as well.  *you might also consider adding Lemongrass or Lime essential oil.  But, only a drop or two.*

In a bowl, I use the salad choppers again to mince the salad and the herbs together.  chop it very fine, and add the five spice powder to taste.

Now that everything is ready to roll, it's time to work with the cellophane wrappers.  It's best to have an area with a cutting board set near your sink.  And everything around it that you intend to put inside your spring roll.  Take the wrapper in your non-dominant hand.  Run it under warm water on one side and then flip it and continue to run it under water,  until it is pliant and molding to your hand.  Then, using your dominant hand to help, lay it onto the cutting board flat.

Stuff like a burrito.  I like to put the shrimp down first, then the salad, and then the rice noodles.  Then you wrap it like a burrito, by tucking the sides in, and wrapping one of the long edges around everything, and the other long edge on top of it.  They will stick together.  Quickly transfer it to a plate, seam down.  Dry your hands and grab another cellophane wrapper (if you get them wet, they will stick together).  Repeat process till you have made the desired amount.

Serving size is usually 2 spring rolls per person.  I find that if I use about 2 cups of the salad (before chopping into tiny shreds, and 6 shrimp, and 1 of the blocks inside the cellophane noodle package, that it's about enough.  However, if you make too much noodles or salad, you can combine them together, and store in the fridge in an airtight container until you are ready to use them again.   They'll keep for a couple of days.  So, you can always prep the filling in advance.

Shopping List:  The Cellophane items, I got at Food Lion. 
The salad, and shrimp I got at Aldi.
 I grow the mint (not pictured) myself.

Additions, but not necessary.

One row of cellophane noodles
(there were 3 in the package)

Thaw the shrimp, peel the tails off.

Tail Shells off and ready for wrapping.

This is about 7 leaves of mint from the garden.

Add the salad to a bowl.

This is about 2 - 3 cups worth before
chopping

Add the mint and chop.

You can see how much it shrunk.

Add Five Spice Powder too the mixture and stir.

Brings it down to about 1 & 1/2 cups

Cellophane noodles look like this when done.

Rinse them (and the pot) with cold water.

Shake all the excess moisture from them.
You might even want to get a paper towel to try them a bit.

This shows that there is no moisture
left in the pan.  The noodles will be
damp, but not soaking wet.
I've already added the salt, pepper, two
shakes of the vinegar, and a drop of
the sesame oil.  And there is still no
residual moisture lingering.

Chopping them up just a bit to make it easier to eat and handle.

1 - You can tell that this wrapper has a pattern.
The pattern goes invisible when it's warmed.
Hold it like this.

3 - Now it's ready, when it starts to
fold around your fingers.

2 - It begins to go clear, but it's still
pretty rigid

Lay it flat on the cutting board

Add Shrimp

Add salad mixture on top.  Best to use your hands for all of this.

Add the noodles on top.  Careful not to over stuff.

Fold your two shortest ends inward

Fold one of the lengths over, and then the last one on top of it.

Finished product.

There is some left over that I will keep for another spring roll in the future.  When I thaw more shrimp.  I've mixed the cello noodles and the salad mixture together here.

Seeking a friend for the end of the world... oh, wait...too late

Part of me is happy not to be stuck with someone...having to answer for my every allergic sneeze, or pollen filled cough. 

But, it was always my goal to have a best male friend as my partner in crime.

But I dont think that's ever gonna happen.  For a multitude of reasons.
And I swear, I am so ridiculously, deleriously, sick of hearing the platitudes of "you are such a wonderful woman...he's out there somewhere" that i could vomit enough to warrant a covid test.

Let us all just be honest.  No one is equipped to handle me. I'm too #heidemaintenance and too weird and broken in ways other people arent.  It is cool and fun in short durations.  But, it is irritating and frustrating to guys over any length of time.

So, yeah...that's what I've been thinking about lately.  Fuck my dreams.  Fuck joy.  Fuck it all.  I am going back to being dead inside.  It'll be easier to hide my disappointment.

2019 Wrap up

Wow, what a year it's been.

I've been so busy focused on my house for the last half of it that it just flew by.  Still in the middle of demolition, and will begin reconstruction in the new year.

I've read a whole 55 books, and that's awesome!

My biggest highlight was getting to see my long-lost cousin in Tennessee.  It was so awesome.  I had such a great time with her.  And it was if I had never lost any time with her.  Except for the fact that we were grown and could do anything we wanted without adult permission/supervision.


Highlights from this year:

• Jan - Don's retirement party
• Feb - HARI for training
• Mar - Sherry Quinn's retirement party
• April - Greek with Katie & Derrick, Lunch with Larry, and SECU testing on the Mobile App.
• May - Met Corrie in TN, SECU Board Mtg, Beethoven's Piano Concerto #3 with Dad, PTA Handover 5/30.
• June - DSI Job with Heather where I learned how to enter in the computer; got new red glasses; Held Michele and Mark's wedding; Went to a Durham Bulls game with Rob, Reno and Dad; and Dowdy's retirement party; Lunch with Tammy & Steve; Ice Cream with Dad, Rob, Reno, Val, Keith, & Z; BBwks interview.  Started working there in July; and Joanne's retirement party.
• July - Reno Citizenship party @ ORO; Found MadHatter on Wizards Unite (we're fast friends now).
• Aug - Paris is Burning screening with Dad; Mudcats game with Heather & Christian (my first); SECU Board Mtg; Fell off a ladder at BBwks
• Sept - Water Heater exploded.  I cease to have a kitchen; Abatement Co comes out to give an estimate; Lunch with Marjorie & Pattycakes
• Oct - Z's 18th birthday party; SECU Big Mtg in Grnsboro; Went to Black Mtn to visit with Dani & Paul; Brunch with Michele; James' (pattycakes) birthday party at the mining place; CHOP's retirement party; Karen's Halloween Party; Halloween @ Rob & Reno's
• Nov - Valloween; Packout for my kitchen; Abatement; SECU Holiday party at Winston's; Worked my first Black Friday @ Bbwks
• Dec - Worked my first Candle day, and my first 4.95 event @ bbwks; Vals Birthday Brunch; Reno's Holiday Party; Work's Holiday Party; Reno's progressive dinner; Lunch with Steve & Tammy; Rob & Reno Xmas Dinner (met some new people).  Also took Dad to Simple Greek and he loved it.

Some of the things I'm proud of myself for this year - I've met a bunch of new people both thru work, and friends.  I've been really patient not having a kitchen.  55 freaking books!!!  

"you will never be enough for someone who isn't enough for themselves."

-Me.  This morning.  Driving into work while listening to Linkn Park and Marilyn Manson.

Hard truths & a random happy thought.

Sometimes, the path of least resistance is the most tortuous.

Dreams and goals are meant to be smashed upon the rocks of self-realization and reality.

Some people are meant to be left.  I am some people.  And I am bitter with the taste of that realization as the truth of it swirls in my being and threatens to spew its ugly truths right out of my mouth and onto the world at large.

Most people are less worthy and deserving of my time than I give most of them credit for.  But there are a few select group that are very worth my time still.  And there are even fewer who I would take a bullet for.  But they do exist.  The tribe may be small, but it is mighty in its worth.

In other news (not a hard truth) I'm really excited about my band.  We've had our band name for ages, and now we've created stage persona names.  It's very exciting.  I'm singing more and more in practice, and I'm really enjoying it.

So, I have come to the realization that I am not cut out to be a wife or girlfriend.  Relationships in general just don't seem to work out for me.  I am mistress material.  No more, no less. 

Goals

As I was searching for some loose leaf paper, I came across a sheet that had my goals written down.  I was 10 days shy of turning 16 when I had written them. 

Most of them were religious dogma that had been brainwashed into me.  It was interesting to see how it coloured my perception so thoroughly.

I made good on only one of my goals.  And that goal was more if a veiled curse.  In a way, I'm really quite glad I didn't achieve a single one of them.  But, there's no doubt that the "stable job with steady income being an architect" would have been an interesting diversion if it had ever existed, but it also probably would have sucked all the joy out of my love for architecture.

Some goals are meant to be left behind unfulfilled.

Perhaps my one single clear-minded goal that I am working towards now is meant to be left unachieved.  It's hard to tell when you are working towards it in the moment.  The focus, the determination, they all take up so much mental effort that it sometimes is hard to see the forest when you are staring at a single tree.

I only know that this goal is something I have wanted my whole life.  Although it was shrouded in religion when I was 15, it is something that I have always wanted.  (After all, it was number 2 on my list back then.)  It seasons the overarching theme of my life throughout. 

But, I'm pretty tired of chasing this dream.  Pretty damn tired that I am nearly ready to give up.  There are so many people who would scoff at it, saying it's not a real goal.  There are so many people who would tell me it is unachievable. Perhaps they are right.  Perhaps it is time to give up on the dream.  I just don't know.

Palm trees, train rides, and destinations and travel arrangements that have nothing to do with either of them.

I've been marathon watching all of the Miss Fisher Murder Mysteries lately.  It's astonishing how many quotes from them I hold dear to my heart.  How often I think of those quotes is more than I would care to admit.  And it isn't simply because I am watching them all again.

I've been thinking about my dreams.  As I've had setbacks to my main dream/goal, when I think of Hugh Collins' quote from the show "Dreams are for dreamers, Dottie.  And my eyes are wide open now." it puts me in mind of how we all sometimes feel when we have had plans/goals/dreams derailed. 

I know that sometimes it feels like the entire train has wrecked.  But other times, just that it took the wrong track and is now on a new destination instead of the original planned one.  Sometimes, the new destination is better, sometimes worse.  And sometimes, the original destination can still be reached with a little ingenuity and some backtracking and switching of rails.

Recently, I've been toying with the original destination, and the idea that it may not be possible.  And that can be discouraging.  I've been working on the motto "Embrace Hope" these past few weeks.  I'm not a stranger to the motto, as I have used it often enough in the past. 

I embrace the hope that my train will come into the station and my dream will come to fruition.  But, nothing is certain.  Perhaps my dream is a foolish one and I should get a new dream. 

Perhaps instead of pulling in to a warm destination (as I would prefer), life has a destination of Alaska in mind instead. Should I instead buy a coat?  Or should I attempt to divert an undivertable train?  How far down the track to you go before you just decide to buy the coat when your luggage has been packed with nothing but shortsleeves?

This is all highly metaphorical.
The train being life, the destination being the goal/dream, and warmth being my goal/dream.  Alaska being the metaphorical opposite of my goal/dream.

How long does one try to hold on to the vague dream of warmth, before you become wise to the harsh reality of the train that you are currently riding.  Hope all I want, a metaphorical train to Alaska will never make a stop in Bermuda.  Not only because you're on the wrong train, but because you can't even achieve it by train.  boat or plane.  Those are the only two ways.  Perhaps you can take a train to a port city or a airline hub that would take you there.  But Alaska is not it.

But, perhaps Alaska wouldn't be as bad as I imagine.  It isn't my dream/goal.  But I am used to permanent setbacks.  So, perhaps Alaska is just as good as somewhere warm.

But I still dream of palm trees...for now.  Probably for always.  Even if I never reach my warm destination.

2918 Wrap Up - What I've Learned

I'm pretty proud of how much I read this year.  It was at least 75 books this year.  Since my hard drive crashed last week, I don't have the exact number (I thought it was in the 80's).  But I know it was at least 75.  One of the best things about reading this year, was reading on the train to Vienna about a story set in Vienna.  Excellent.

Important things I learned this year; some of them the hard way:

• No matter how much you give your time and love, if someone doesn't see your value or appreciate your love, then that love and time it is not spent wisely, no matter how much fun you're having in the process.  If that person doesn't appreciate you, there will be nothing you can do to make them.  So, stop trying.  (I should have learned this with the wasband, but alas, it seems I needed to learn it again).  I will not be re-learning this lesson again.  I plan to keep it this time.  I'm tired of heartbreak.
• Flexibility is still important to me.  More important than money.  Time well spent is worth more than a better paycheck.  I may never see all the things I want to see in life, but I won't be stressed out.  And I'm happy enough to see the things that I can..
• My two best friends are the best family I've ever had.  I don't have to worry about them not being there for me.  I don't have to question their loyalties.  I don't have to worry they'll turn their backs on me at any point in time.  And they're always there to support my drama.
• Despite not having a religious bone in my body, I am spiritual and appreciate it when people say they'll pray for me.  Anytime anyone is thinking of me is precious time to me.  The fact that I cross their minds is so appreciated.  
• I still love all the things I've always loved:  Marshmallows, Tea, Octopus & Jellyfish, Dinosaurs, Dragons, Warmth, Hockey, Extravagant Popcorn, Curse of Oak Island (I'm convinced they've already found the treasure, but History Channel is milking it for multiple seasons), The smell of books, especially in a bookstore
  .  But I've picked up a few more things to love (or rediscovered my love for them):  Soft (but not chenille) socks on a cold day, Bright eyeshadow to perk your day up, Dirty Football Commentary, Old Architecture, Trains, Agatha Christie (rediscover), Dorothy L Sayers (new to me). 
• I forgot how much I liked to cook and bake.  I shouldn't let my passion for it get overwhelmed by everything else going on in life.
• Sometimes your best won't be enough.
• I am okay with me.  I don't need to transform into something else.  I can be better versions of myself every day without pushing myself to do something new or do something I don't like to become accustomed to it.  I can do things I like, and things that I've never done that actually interest me instead of trying everything once.  I have learned to say "no" instead of "maybe"
• I have 2 people who love me unconditionally.  I'm still searching for the 3rd.  
• I am irritating to the wrong people.  Find those people and avoid them.
• I should trust my instincts, instead of suppress them.  They have never been wrong, and I don't know why I constantly try to make them conform to what my mind thinks they should be.  This, I'll still probably work on, as I've been saying this to myself for years.
• More people than I thought are stupider than I give them credit for.  
• I'm stupider than I give myself credit for.  I submit all of my decisions during 2018 and late 2017.
• We've all survived year 1 of #45.  It's been awful, but if we survived it, we may be able to survive anything.  Including the eventual nuclear holocaust.  (Just have to remember that Chernobyl survivors were the ones that were drunk at the time)
• I'm picky about my floss.  I guess I'm picky about a lot of things.  But I can't floss unless it's a certain type.  (gawd, I'm weird)  
• I should tell people to fuck off more.
• I love my Dad.and my cousin Corrie.  They're the best family a girl could ask for!
• My cat is weird.  He taught himself how to play fetch over Christmas break.  Weirdo.  But, adorable weirdo.
• I should keep my default state set at apathy.  Unless I see something or someone cool, I'm not going to fake happiness.  Shouldn't be hard...I just need a picture of an octopus or dinosaur to make me happy.  My resolution is to be less impressed by everything unless it really makes me happy.

I'm sure I've learned more, but none of it is more important than the floss thing.

What I want for my new year - 2019

I want to find a partner who doesn't view me as an obstacle to their happiness.  I want to be loved as an asset to their life, not an irritating detriment.  Once I find this person, I am convinced I would make a decent, loving partner.  I just have to find someone who values me instead of devaluing me and our relationship.

Many have left for this same reason.  But, somewhere there must be someone who views me as I am.

That is all I want for Christmas and New Years.  Just that one wish for next year.  Happiness and a worthy partner to share it with. 

Oh...and one more thing, universe.  I want someone who isn't going to project their unhappiness with themselves onto me and our relationship.  That would be great.

*******************************************************************

Update:  oh...and universe, one more thing:  I'd like a pony while I'm wishing for shit.  And that pony has been on the list WAAAAY longer than this pipedream I've listed here.  In fact, by now, I've outgrown the pony and need a full-sized horse.  So, get on that, universe.

A final thought

I have a parting thought before I log off:  No matter what you give, it will never be enough to satisfy expectations that people have of you.  So, give wisely to those who deserve and appreciate it. Not everyone deserves what you give.

Impact

Every day, I pass a sign in the museum that says "How will you make a difference?"

It's about climate and environment, but every day it makes me think.  And every day I think differently.  Sometimes I feel that the answer is "I won't" and other times I see the answer as "through my actions" and other days I find the answer is "through my inaction."

No answer is completely correct; just as no answer is completely incorrect either.

Sometimes we feel tiny and insignificant and full only of our own little sphere that we have influence over.  Some days that sphere is smaller than other days. And so the answer can be "I won't" on those days.  On days when you aren't influencing your sphere, and you remain quiet and passive, you make very little - if any - impact.

Other times, our action and reaction to our little (or moderate) sphere makes impacts.  We smile at someone and compliment their shoes, they go forth with a brighter light and make an impact on their sphere in some way.  Or, you extend yourself to another being in your sphere and challenge their perception by discussion.  Perhaps you both remain unchanged, but perhaps not.  Alternatively your small action of recycling can make a difference to the planet and the animals that inhabit it.  Every time I clip a soda can holder, I think of a turtle that won't have a cinched waistband, and hope that a bird doesn't get it's beak stuck into someone else's trash; someone who didn't take the time to clip their rings, or simply doesn't know about the impact that makes.

Which brings me to my inaction making an impact.  What if someone hasn't been told that there's a chance that wildlife will either choke on, or become otherwise impeded, by this 6-pack-ring.   That something so simple that takes seconds to do (and happens to be incredibly satisfying, for some odd reason), can make a difference.  What if even knowing that, I decide that I just don't care?  What if I decide that I just can't spare those 5 seconds, or I just can't find the scissors, or I just can't ________.  Maybe it won't impact an animal the first time I throw it away whole.  But maybe it will.  If everyone just gives up and says "I don't care" then all the small impacts are made so much larger.

So, getting back to the "how will you make a difference" question:  Maybe we won't.  Maybe we will.  But, more likely than not, we will make a difference, but just won't ever know what kind of difference we made.

And just because I can, here are some pictures of the bonnet-head shark.  They might not be especially good, but they're still pretty awesome in my opinion.  So, you're all welcome.

Fibromyalgia/I've been thinking

I've been thinking a lot lately about a statement that was said to me.

"You're not very nice when you're in pain"

The problem is, I'm always in pain.  Thank you Fibro.
So, that means that I'm never nice.  And that really sucks.  Because I try to hide it, but I guess it just is who I am now.  I. Am. Mean.  That is now part of my character.  And I have to learn to accept it, much like I've had to accept and work within the bounds of my Fibro itself.

This isn't how I used to be.  I used to be able to do things.  Normal things.  I used to be a relatively nice person (I thought).  I used to...

If "used to" were wishes, I would have wishes to spare.  But, they aren't, I'm don't, and I need to deal.

That sucks.

I wanna know the story

Every Sunday, I read the Post Secret blog. And sometimes it makes me feel hopeful. Simetumes it makes me feel whistful. But mostly it makes me feel curious.

When I come across a secret that is profound, or resonates, with me I can't help but wonder if their curcumstances are similar, worse or better than what would cause me to write that statement.
I wonder if, for instance, this person is talking about losing people via death or by loss of friendship, or by loss of lovers.  What did they learn? Does it get easier? Harder?  Do they regret the parting or do they wish they had made it sooner?  What drove them to write that statement?  Did they lose a child, perhaps?  Did they part with a close friend? Or did a part of them die inside that they're saying goodbye to?  So many different scenarios. So many different meanings.  So many different things that could be learned.

The statement is vague, but it resonates with me for some reason.  Probably because of all the possibilities that it could mean.