Loyalty

 "Loyalty is a prison to the loyal and a convenience for the recipients" ~My Journal 3/8/22

I've been thinking a lot about this statement I wrote in my journal a few years back and how true it was then, and how it remains true to this day.  And I've been reflecting on how I've turned my back on "loyalty" that is forced from me.

Perhaps it's the political climate we're living in where one party's loyalty to their chosen leader seems to be almost unhinged in it's ideals.  It's as if they're stuck in a prison of their own making and anything contradicting their view is a visceral threat to their well being.

Perhaps it's that I'm in a place now where I am not forced into fealty to a higher management's eccentric and irrational whims to prove that I am doing what's best for the organization, despite their desperate attempts to dismantle it piece by piece until all that is left is dysfunction and "yes-men."

Perhaps I feel more secure in myself and offer loyalty only to those who give it in return.  Those who are worthy of my effort. And those who have been through the fires of Mordor with me, only to have us arrive outside the hell-scape slightly worse for wear, but intact - loyalties forged even stronger than before.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is more worth noting is the "convenience" of the loyalty.  How easily it was given by me in exchange for so little in return.  It didn't mean anything when I ceased giving my loyalty to unworthy people.  They just silently disappeared from my life.  Not even a word of protest.  Because it was more a hassle than convenience for them to try to keep my loyalty.  

This also includes brands and companies with their rewards points (or lack thereof). If there's not a brand loyalty program, or a strong brand quality assurance then I tend not to invest my consumer dollars in that brand/company.  I think on reflection, I make these companies and brands work harder in the past for my loyalty than I do the people, and jobs in my life.

Wow...that's sad.

But at least I have let the unworthy go.  Anyway, this is your sign, dear readers, to let them go.  A more updated saying is "If they _____, let them." Don't give your loyalty away to those who see it as a convenience.  

The year in review 2022 - cha-cha-cha-cha-changes

Okay, it's clearly been a hot minute. Frankly, I felt unispired to write, or be creative in any way. Between the pineapple express (I mean, pandemic), work, and a health issue that croppped up this year, I've been so burnt out these past few years, I'm surprised I wrote anything at all at the end of them (and I see now, that I skipped writing anything in 2021 for an end of year review).

This year has been strange, to say the least.  2023 brought joy (the birth of my neice) and sorrow (the death of my nephew). It had it's share of bittersweet, to say the least.

Leaving Parks and Recreation for the Administrative Office of the Courts mid-year, brought me a well-loved job and new friendly faces to get to know.

This year, I've been able to visit the coast far more frequently than in years past.  With my new job allowing me to telework 3 days a week, I'm able to do it more frequently, though I do still telework from Raleigh as well.  It's something I'd like to do more of next year, as I will make it a top priority in 2023.

I had the wonderful opportunity to go to the mountains for my birthday, and spend it with the man I adore.  And I was lucky enough to squeeze in a trip to the outter banks this year as well.  Okracoke, for the first time ever.

I've already set aside a journal prompt for twice a month for next year.  I hope that I can stick with it, because I've been terrible about journaling and meditating.  It's amazing how when I'm not stressed out, I don't think about it at all.  But I know it should be an important piece of my life, because it would make these year-end reviews so much easier to write! lol

I've had to sing a farewell song to my Honda CRV.  It was a very sad moment. And although I continue to miss the CRV, I am so grateful I was able to replace it with a Mini Cooper. (Let's be honest, I'm grateful I was able to replace it at all!)  

One of the things I'm really surprised at, is how many books I read this year.  And that's mostly because for some of the books I started reading, if they didn't engage my interest (even if it was a follow up to something I liked), I put it down and had no regrets.  I'm embracing "the time is not right for this" and "I absolutely hate this, so why am I trying to finish it?" as a standard mentality.  Maybe it's because I'm middle-aged that I've decided my time is not to be wasted on things I despise or am even lack-luster about, unless they are essential to my survival.  So, 30 out of the 34 books I attempted, is pretty darned good, I think!  It's not my best, but it's not zero!

And just for a recapture, even though my hard drive crashed last year, from what I could recount, I had at least 13 that I was able to account for (thank you library history!)

I haven't done any baking, and not much experimenting in the kitchen this year.  And I'm kind of sad about that.  But I've been on auto-pilot.  And with the health challenge from earlier this year, that knocked a lot of my energy to do anything about it right out of me.  It was survival mode, and nothing more.

Things I'm particularly grateful for include spending time with friends and family this year, surviving the health issue (it's chronic, not covid), and changing my job for more freedom and slightly better pay (which means less stress).

I think one of the the most important things I'd like to focus on next year is organization.  I want to keep my inbox at work as tidy as I have been able to keep it this year.  And I want to just continue to organize my life.  I know, super boring, right?


How's your year been?  What are you most grateful for this past year?  What can't you get enough of and want to bring into next year?

What I did in 2020

Beautiful sunset.  Just because.

 Another year, albeit a weird one, has come to a close.  What a wild ride that was.  In some ways it was SO very different.  Working from home.  Being furloughed for a while.  Moving almost all doctor appointments to telehealth.  Libraries closed.  Everything shut. 

Then suddenly going back to my part time that I was fuloughed from and having face-to-face contact with people on a multiple times per week schedule.  Being able to go to the dentist again.  Getting my mammogram in person.  Going out to eat.  Toilet paper back in stock.

Just wild.

But, all that said, I did accomplish quite a bit this year.

• 
  I narrated and produced an audiobook that debuted in December.  In addition to reading that, I produced a second that has yet to debut.
• I also read and completed, for my own personal knowledge, 36 books.  With an additional 6 that I abandoned because I got bored.
• I put puzzles together with my father and saw movies with him (all before lockdown).
• I've been mailing cards during the pandemic to people I care about. Sending sunshine to brighten days, while helping the post office. 
• A new sushi place was revealed to me, and I've delighted in it ever since.
• In June 2020 I reached a milestone of 50 days where I meditated.  And then in November, I reached 100 days of meditation.
• I was fortunate enough to celebrate (although, alone) my 20th year working for the State of North Carolina.  That means I've been working for a total of 22 years of my 41 years on this earth.  I've now worked half my life.
• The kitchen renovation was completed in February, right before covid hit.  So, it was wonderful to have a kitchen again after not having it for 6 months.  And just in time!
• 
  I've sucessfully migrated to a new phone, with the almost death of my old one.
• Saw the Outter Banks for the first time, thanks to one of my favorite people, who decided to book her birthday trip there.  I was so grateful to be invited to spend time with her and her friends.
• I went to my first ever haunted house this year with another of my favorite people.
• I was introduced to Szcheuan Hot Pot this year.  So much fun!
• I have really honed my skills at creating weekly goals and habit trackers this
  past 6 months.
• I honed my scone and spring roll recipes.  And I have tested out my Instant Pot Vortex Oven/Fryer.
• I've played with new makeup color combinations this year.  Most people seem bored senseless by this, so I've stopped posting my creations.  But I still enjoy doing them and having fun.
  
• I completely changed my haircolor.
• I got my first Henna tattoo from a woman from Bangledesh.  It was intricate, and a wonderfully soothing experience.

I have been, and continue to be, grateful for the people who have stuck by me this year.  When it has been so easy for everyone to just hole up in their own covid-bubble worlds.  The people who made time to talk to me, see me, and invest their time in me are so appreciated.  

Mind you, there have been moments of saddness.  To keep it real, there have been major disappointments in situations, people who were in my life, and myself.  It's not all perfection.  But, yearly, I celebrate the accomplishments.  Not the failures, setbacks and disappointments.  Those are for my personal blog.  Just know they exist.  So, if you're struggling - you're not alone.   

Impact

Every day, I pass a sign in the museum that says "How will you make a difference?"

It's about climate and environment, but every day it makes me think.  And every day I think differently.  Sometimes I feel that the answer is "I won't" and other times I see the answer as "through my actions" and other days I find the answer is "through my inaction."

No answer is completely correct; just as no answer is completely incorrect either.

Sometimes we feel tiny and insignificant and full only of our own little sphere that we have influence over.  Some days that sphere is smaller than other days. And so the answer can be "I won't" on those days.  On days when you aren't influencing your sphere, and you remain quiet and passive, you make very little - if any - impact.

Other times, our action and reaction to our little (or moderate) sphere makes impacts.  We smile at someone and compliment their shoes, they go forth with a brighter light and make an impact on their sphere in some way.  Or, you extend yourself to another being in your sphere and challenge their perception by discussion.  Perhaps you both remain unchanged, but perhaps not.  Alternatively your small action of recycling can make a difference to the planet and the animals that inhabit it.  Every time I clip a soda can holder, I think of a turtle that won't have a cinched waistband, and hope that a bird doesn't get it's beak stuck into someone else's trash; someone who didn't take the time to clip their rings, or simply doesn't know about the impact that makes.

Which brings me to my inaction making an impact.  What if someone hasn't been told that there's a chance that wildlife will either choke on, or become otherwise impeded, by this 6-pack-ring.   That something so simple that takes seconds to do (and happens to be incredibly satisfying, for some odd reason), can make a difference.  What if even knowing that, I decide that I just don't care?  What if I decide that I just can't spare those 5 seconds, or I just can't find the scissors, or I just can't ________.  Maybe it won't impact an animal the first time I throw it away whole.  But maybe it will.  If everyone just gives up and says "I don't care" then all the small impacts are made so much larger.

So, getting back to the "how will you make a difference" question:  Maybe we won't.  Maybe we will.  But, more likely than not, we will make a difference, but just won't ever know what kind of difference we made.

And just because I can, here are some pictures of the bonnet-head shark.  They might not be especially good, but they're still pretty awesome in my opinion.  So, you're all welcome.

What shall I regenerate as?

I almost feel like The Doctor - regenerating.  Instead, at least I get a little input as to what I re-invent myself as.

One tends to add things to their persona over time, without really realizing that they're becoming part of their character.  It's only at the crossroads in life that

Photo courtesy of
Stuart Miles via
 FreeDigitalPhotos.net

we examine, and rebuild, our identities.  

I was happy in my last identity.  But, circumstances have made me re-evaluate and examine the weaknesses in my being.  I need to determine if these weaknesses need to be fortified, or if they are essential to a part of my character that I don't want to change.  For example: I may hurt now because of them, but would I so easily mute my compassionate nature simply because it lays me open to possible obliteration at some point?  These are all things that you cross-examine when you are at a crossroads.

So, here are the things I'm examining in me and thinking about changing:

• I make too few demands.  I never wanted to be a high-maintenance person.  But, in going with the flow and being able to adjust my sails against any particular wind that may blow my way, I have decided that being a chameleon may not necessarily be in my favor always.  I never wished to be inflexible until this moment.  But now, I feel that perhaps some rigidity of nature may be required.  The problem is, that by doing that, I close myself off to so many new experiences simply because of having a fixed standard.
  So, do I become the bitch with standards and demands and needs that absolutely must be met?  Or do I continue to be open to almost everything?  This is a fundamental question that would completely change my makeup.
  It also begs the question (as they are intrinsically linked) should I require more and be less giving? Or should I continue to take people at their face value and what they're willing to give without ever requiring more from them?
• Who do I allow to look into my eyes and truly see me?  Eyes are the window to the heart.  Who will I allow to see that?  Shall I avert my gaze more frequently?  I used to do this quite often - not look people directly in the eye.  Or shall I just look at them with my shields up (that glossy front of semi-authenticity that can be raised when you first meet someone that I almost never use).
  In fact, the first man I looked in the eyes is the first man I fell in love with.  So, looking directly into the eyes - and allowing the shields to be down while doing so - seems to be to my detriment.
  So, do I continue to allow my eyes authentic interactions? Or do I put my shields up, or eyes lowered or centered on a fixed point on their face?
• I normally question all motives eventually.  But often I give people the benefit of the doubt and take what they say at face value - until they prove me wrong.  Perhaps I should be more skeptical of other peoples motives and pay closer attention to not only what they're saying, but why.
  But, honestly, I don't know if I have the energy to devote to this change.  it may be one of the most important changes, but how much of my life to I want to spend running around in my head going in circles.  I feel too, that this may breed paranoia.  I think when my internal gut tells me something is up, that's soon enough.  Scratch this change.

Things that I will never change about my person:

• I will be protective over Leilani and my dearest friends.  The tiger/dragon will not allow anyone to hurt them without massive repercussions.
• I will continue to be jaded in my view of life, love, and happiness.  Because hope sucks.  Hope is a temporary high on a roller coaster, and I'd rather live on a level playing field with room to lay in the sun.
• I will continue to revel in the joys of the little and simple things daily.  Like tea, a genuine hug, a movie at the end of the day, bubbles, a breeze on a warm day, snowflakes on your eyelashes, smiles, nature, the beauty of my workplace, etc.
• I will still geek-out and fan-girl when I find something cool/adorable/beautiful/fun.
• I will still sing in the car if I love the song.  And I will sing in the shower if I feel like it.  And I will hum while I put my makeup on.
• I will continue to be unapologetic for anything about myself that people don't like.  If I like it, and it harms none, then others opinions don't matter.  That said, if a critique is valid, I will listen and adjust (and I do ask certain people - you know who you are - for feedback).
• I will still believe in the beauty of me, my darkness, and my quiet.  Not sure if my presence will be a soothing as it used to be after my regeneration, but if it is, I will love and revel in that.
• I will still not change my core being for anyone but me.

Do you like who you are?  What would you change if you took a hard look at yourself?  What would you keep?  What do you enjoy most about being you right now in this moment?

Do people change?

One of the things I'd like to do more of this year would be to post at least one blog per month.  In an effort to do this, I've created an entire board on pintrest to help me.  I'm going to answer some of the January questions on that board over the next few days.

One of the first questions I want to write about is "Do you think people change?"

When I was younger, I would have answered with a resounding "no."  But, I feel this is a more complicated question than it seems.  When originally asked that question it's normally in reference to "does a leopard change his/her spots" type of question.  But it's really not as shallow as it first seems.

One of my favorite quotes is by Alvin Toffler "Change is not merely necessary to life - it is life."

Change: by Alvin Toffler

This holds true on both a broader scale as well as a more personal one.  Change is everything.  Change is all.  It is ambivalent and apathetic - neither good nor bad.  It simply is.  Therefore, to truly live, we are constantly changing.

What mustn't change is our inner core of being.  We can be open to experience and change, but you must still have a sense of self.  You must remain true to your being.  No one knows this better than parents.  You have created this being that is so much like you, and so dissimilar.  And often, when you have very small children, you tend to lose yourself in them.

So, simply put - do people change:  yes.  All the time.  Even by trying not to change, the influences around them as well as the information that they are exposed to, are constantly changing.  And thus, their perceptions, ideas, and thoughts are also in a constant state of fluctuation.