Impact

Every day, I pass a sign in the museum that says "How will you make a difference?"

It's about climate and environment, but every day it makes me think.  And every day I think differently.  Sometimes I feel that the answer is "I won't" and other times I see the answer as "through my actions" and other days I find the answer is "through my inaction."

No answer is completely correct; just as no answer is completely incorrect either.

Sometimes we feel tiny and insignificant and full only of our own little sphere that we have influence over.  Some days that sphere is smaller than other days. And so the answer can be "I won't" on those days.  On days when you aren't influencing your sphere, and you remain quiet and passive, you make very little - if any - impact.

Other times, our action and reaction to our little (or moderate) sphere makes impacts.  We smile at someone and compliment their shoes, they go forth with a brighter light and make an impact on their sphere in some way.  Or, you extend yourself to another being in your sphere and challenge their perception by discussion.  Perhaps you both remain unchanged, but perhaps not.  Alternatively your small action of recycling can make a difference to the planet and the animals that inhabit it.  Every time I clip a soda can holder, I think of a turtle that won't have a cinched waistband, and hope that a bird doesn't get it's beak stuck into someone else's trash; someone who didn't take the time to clip their rings, or simply doesn't know about the impact that makes.

Which brings me to my inaction making an impact.  What if someone hasn't been told that there's a chance that wildlife will either choke on, or become otherwise impeded, by this 6-pack-ring.   That something so simple that takes seconds to do (and happens to be incredibly satisfying, for some odd reason), can make a difference.  What if even knowing that, I decide that I just don't care?  What if I decide that I just can't spare those 5 seconds, or I just can't find the scissors, or I just can't ________.  Maybe it won't impact an animal the first time I throw it away whole.  But maybe it will.  If everyone just gives up and says "I don't care" then all the small impacts are made so much larger.

So, getting back to the "how will you make a difference" question:  Maybe we won't.  Maybe we will.  But, more likely than not, we will make a difference, but just won't ever know what kind of difference we made.

And just because I can, here are some pictures of the bonnet-head shark.  They might not be especially good, but they're still pretty awesome in my opinion.  So, you're all welcome.

Pretty

I can almost guarantee that the ladies out there will know the feeling I'm about to talk about. And hopefully some of the gentleman out there will understand it as well.

It isn't so much the feeling as it is the cause of it that has me stymied right now.

I feel, decidedly, un-pretty today.  Just blah.  Nothing in particular was horribly wrong.  My makeup was on point, my hair was okay (not great, but not horrible), my clothes were okay, and my hormones should be fine.  So, WHY do I feel apathetic about my look today?  There was no one thing that stood out as being off.  I can understand feeling this way during certain times of the month, but again -hormones are okay right now.

So, does anyone else ever feel this way WITHOUT cause?  It's a mystery to me.

What is your favorite room in your house?

When I was growing up, one of my favorite things to do was to sit down with house plan books and to look at different layouts.  I would imagine what each room would look like, and how it would be decorated.  Which would be my favorite place to spend time?  What would the lot look like?  Where in the world would it be, and how would that impact the landscaping?  What color schemes and decor would be featured in each house?

As with my nature, every house I looked at on paper had a different feel to it - and none of them was favored more than the other (as you know, I don't make up my mind easily).  I loved the houses for different reasons.  Even if they were on paper and in my mind.

I often wonder how many of those houses actually ever got built by anyone.  And if they didn't, how the architect may have felt about that particular snub to their work.  But, in my mind, those houses lived.  They were built, if not in reality, then in my conscious.

And  I just got sidetracked because over at
http://design-milk.com/favorite-tv-home-apartment-floor-plans/
 they have ALL my favorite character's layouts.
Even Golden Girls and Will and Grace!

I never had an affinity for one room over another until I became a teenager.  That's when my bedroom became my sanctuary.  Everything I ever wanted lived in that room.  My water bed, my cat, my favorite videos, my books.  Everything I wanted to keep close to me.  It was all there.

Now that I am older, you would think that my favorite room would have changed to the kitchen or living room, since I have a house of my own.  But, instead, I find myself still captivated by my bedroom.  My pillows.  My blankets (especially the heated one in the winter).  My retreat.

The revelation surprises me, because I find that I haven't changed all that much.  But then also doesn't surprise me, because I am a creature who loves warmth, comfort, familiarity, safety and surety.  And those things can only be found in my dreams.

What is your favorite room in your house?  Did it change if you moved?  Have you lived in one place your whole life?

What shall I regenerate as?

I almost feel like The Doctor - regenerating.  Instead, at least I get a little input as to what I re-invent myself as.

One tends to add things to their persona over time, without really realizing that they're becoming part of their character.  It's only at the crossroads in life that

Photo courtesy of
Stuart Miles via
 FreeDigitalPhotos.net

we examine, and rebuild, our identities.  

I was happy in my last identity.  But, circumstances have made me re-evaluate and examine the weaknesses in my being.  I need to determine if these weaknesses need to be fortified, or if they are essential to a part of my character that I don't want to change.  For example: I may hurt now because of them, but would I so easily mute my compassionate nature simply because it lays me open to possible obliteration at some point?  These are all things that you cross-examine when you are at a crossroads.

So, here are the things I'm examining in me and thinking about changing:

• I make too few demands.  I never wanted to be a high-maintenance person.  But, in going with the flow and being able to adjust my sails against any particular wind that may blow my way, I have decided that being a chameleon may not necessarily be in my favor always.  I never wished to be inflexible until this moment.  But now, I feel that perhaps some rigidity of nature may be required.  The problem is, that by doing that, I close myself off to so many new experiences simply because of having a fixed standard.
  So, do I become the bitch with standards and demands and needs that absolutely must be met?  Or do I continue to be open to almost everything?  This is a fundamental question that would completely change my makeup.
  It also begs the question (as they are intrinsically linked) should I require more and be less giving? Or should I continue to take people at their face value and what they're willing to give without ever requiring more from them?
• Who do I allow to look into my eyes and truly see me?  Eyes are the window to the heart.  Who will I allow to see that?  Shall I avert my gaze more frequently?  I used to do this quite often - not look people directly in the eye.  Or shall I just look at them with my shields up (that glossy front of semi-authenticity that can be raised when you first meet someone that I almost never use).
  In fact, the first man I looked in the eyes is the first man I fell in love with.  So, looking directly into the eyes - and allowing the shields to be down while doing so - seems to be to my detriment.
  So, do I continue to allow my eyes authentic interactions? Or do I put my shields up, or eyes lowered or centered on a fixed point on their face?
• I normally question all motives eventually.  But often I give people the benefit of the doubt and take what they say at face value - until they prove me wrong.  Perhaps I should be more skeptical of other peoples motives and pay closer attention to not only what they're saying, but why.
  But, honestly, I don't know if I have the energy to devote to this change.  it may be one of the most important changes, but how much of my life to I want to spend running around in my head going in circles.  I feel too, that this may breed paranoia.  I think when my internal gut tells me something is up, that's soon enough.  Scratch this change.

Things that I will never change about my person:

• I will be protective over Leilani and my dearest friends.  The tiger/dragon will not allow anyone to hurt them without massive repercussions.
• I will continue to be jaded in my view of life, love, and happiness.  Because hope sucks.  Hope is a temporary high on a roller coaster, and I'd rather live on a level playing field with room to lay in the sun.
• I will continue to revel in the joys of the little and simple things daily.  Like tea, a genuine hug, a movie at the end of the day, bubbles, a breeze on a warm day, snowflakes on your eyelashes, smiles, nature, the beauty of my workplace, etc.
• I will still geek-out and fan-girl when I find something cool/adorable/beautiful/fun.
• I will still sing in the car if I love the song.  And I will sing in the shower if I feel like it.  And I will hum while I put my makeup on.
• I will continue to be unapologetic for anything about myself that people don't like.  If I like it, and it harms none, then others opinions don't matter.  That said, if a critique is valid, I will listen and adjust (and I do ask certain people - you know who you are - for feedback).
• I will still believe in the beauty of me, my darkness, and my quiet.  Not sure if my presence will be a soothing as it used to be after my regeneration, but if it is, I will love and revel in that.
• I will still not change my core being for anyone but me.

Do you like who you are?  What would you change if you took a hard look at yourself?  What would you keep?  What do you enjoy most about being you right now in this moment?

Do people change?

One of the things I'd like to do more of this year would be to post at least one blog per month.  In an effort to do this, I've created an entire board on pintrest to help me.  I'm going to answer some of the January questions on that board over the next few days.

One of the first questions I want to write about is "Do you think people change?"

When I was younger, I would have answered with a resounding "no."  But, I feel this is a more complicated question than it seems.  When originally asked that question it's normally in reference to "does a leopard change his/her spots" type of question.  But it's really not as shallow as it first seems.

One of my favorite quotes is by Alvin Toffler "Change is not merely necessary to life - it is life."

Change: by Alvin Toffler

This holds true on both a broader scale as well as a more personal one.  Change is everything.  Change is all.  It is ambivalent and apathetic - neither good nor bad.  It simply is.  Therefore, to truly live, we are constantly changing.

What mustn't change is our inner core of being.  We can be open to experience and change, but you must still have a sense of self.  You must remain true to your being.  No one knows this better than parents.  You have created this being that is so much like you, and so dissimilar.  And often, when you have very small children, you tend to lose yourself in them.

So, simply put - do people change:  yes.  All the time.  Even by trying not to change, the influences around them as well as the information that they are exposed to, are constantly changing.  And thus, their perceptions, ideas, and thoughts are also in a constant state of fluctuation.

Move along...nothing to see here.

Why does I feel the need to write (or type as the case may be), when I have nothing to say?  It's as if a force is compelling me to write something - anything - simply so that my fingers are occupied.

True story - I actually set this blog up in September.  But for lack of anything to say, didn't post anything till December.  Although they say "Everyone has a story to tell" this isn't really writers block...I just have yet to find a story  I feel  is interesting enough for me to bother telling it.

I see the same writers itch in my daughter that I see in me.  It doesn't have to be good...it just has to be on paper.  (oh the poor trees!)  She started Chapter 3 on her short story tonight, before I commandeered her into helping me plan a March menu.  She would still be writing (and illustrating) now, I think, if I had not distracted her attention.

Do you ever feel the need to write, but have nothing to say?  Perhaps this is just a left-over from my adolescence, when I would write to gather my thoughts.  Or, perhaps this is more common.  I don't know.  What I do know is that when something really inspires me, I feel that I write much better, and that it's worth reading.  This post, may not be worth the read (sorry no refunds on that 2 minutes I just killed), but it is a question I've wanted to find the answer to repeatedly.  And, maybe by putting this out there, someday, someone will be able to answer it.