"you will never be enough for someone who isn't enough for themselves."

-Me.  This morning.  Driving into work while listening to Linkn Park and Marilyn Manson.

Hard truths & a random happy thought.

Sometimes, the path of least resistance is the most tortuous.

Dreams and goals are meant to be smashed upon the rocks of self-realization and reality.

Some people are meant to be left.  I am some people.  And I am bitter with the taste of that realization as the truth of it swirls in my being and threatens to spew its ugly truths right out of my mouth and onto the world at large.

Most people are less worthy and deserving of my time than I give most of them credit for.  But there are a few select group that are very worth my time still.  And there are even fewer who I would take a bullet for.  But they do exist.  The tribe may be small, but it is mighty in its worth.

In other news (not a hard truth) I'm really excited about my band.  We've had our band name for ages, and now we've created stage persona names.  It's very exciting.  I'm singing more and more in practice, and I'm really enjoying it.

So, I have come to the realization that I am not cut out to be a wife or girlfriend.  Relationships in general just don't seem to work out for me.  I am mistress material.  No more, no less. 

Goals

As I was searching for some loose leaf paper, I came across a sheet that had my goals written down.  I was 10 days shy of turning 16 when I had written them. 

Most of them were religious dogma that had been brainwashed into me.  It was interesting to see how it coloured my perception so thoroughly.

I made good on only one of my goals.  And that goal was more if a veiled curse.  In a way, I'm really quite glad I didn't achieve a single one of them.  But, there's no doubt that the "stable job with steady income being an architect" would have been an interesting diversion if it had ever existed, but it also probably would have sucked all the joy out of my love for architecture.

Some goals are meant to be left behind unfulfilled.

Perhaps my one single clear-minded goal that I am working towards now is meant to be left unachieved.  It's hard to tell when you are working towards it in the moment.  The focus, the determination, they all take up so much mental effort that it sometimes is hard to see the forest when you are staring at a single tree.

I only know that this goal is something I have wanted my whole life.  Although it was shrouded in religion when I was 15, it is something that I have always wanted.  (After all, it was number 2 on my list back then.)  It seasons the overarching theme of my life throughout. 

But, I'm pretty tired of chasing this dream.  Pretty damn tired that I am nearly ready to give up.  There are so many people who would scoff at it, saying it's not a real goal.  There are so many people who would tell me it is unachievable. Perhaps they are right.  Perhaps it is time to give up on the dream.  I just don't know.

Palm trees, train rides, and destinations and travel arrangements that have nothing to do with either of them.

I've been marathon watching all of the Miss Fisher Murder Mysteries lately.  It's astonishing how many quotes from them I hold dear to my heart.  How often I think of those quotes is more than I would care to admit.  And it isn't simply because I am watching them all again.

I've been thinking about my dreams.  As I've had setbacks to my main dream/goal, when I think of Hugh Collins' quote from the show "Dreams are for dreamers, Dottie.  And my eyes are wide open now." it puts me in mind of how we all sometimes feel when we have had plans/goals/dreams derailed. 

I know that sometimes it feels like the entire train has wrecked.  But other times, just that it took the wrong track and is now on a new destination instead of the original planned one.  Sometimes, the new destination is better, sometimes worse.  And sometimes, the original destination can still be reached with a little ingenuity and some backtracking and switching of rails.

Recently, I've been toying with the original destination, and the idea that it may not be possible.  And that can be discouraging.  I've been working on the motto "Embrace Hope" these past few weeks.  I'm not a stranger to the motto, as I have used it often enough in the past. 

I embrace the hope that my train will come into the station and my dream will come to fruition.  But, nothing is certain.  Perhaps my dream is a foolish one and I should get a new dream. 

Perhaps instead of pulling in to a warm destination (as I would prefer), life has a destination of Alaska in mind instead. Should I instead buy a coat?  Or should I attempt to divert an undivertable train?  How far down the track to you go before you just decide to buy the coat when your luggage has been packed with nothing but shortsleeves?

This is all highly metaphorical.
The train being life, the destination being the goal/dream, and warmth being my goal/dream.  Alaska being the metaphorical opposite of my goal/dream.

How long does one try to hold on to the vague dream of warmth, before you become wise to the harsh reality of the train that you are currently riding.  Hope all I want, a metaphorical train to Alaska will never make a stop in Bermuda.  Not only because you're on the wrong train, but because you can't even achieve it by train.  boat or plane.  Those are the only two ways.  Perhaps you can take a train to a port city or a airline hub that would take you there.  But Alaska is not it.

But, perhaps Alaska wouldn't be as bad as I imagine.  It isn't my dream/goal.  But I am used to permanent setbacks.  So, perhaps Alaska is just as good as somewhere warm.

But I still dream of palm trees...for now.  Probably for always.  Even if I never reach my warm destination.