The year in review 2022 - cha-cha-cha-cha-changes

Okay, it's clearly been a hot minute. Frankly, I felt unispired to write, or be creative in any way. Between the pineapple express (I mean, pandemic), work, and a health issue that croppped up this year, I've been so burnt out these past few years, I'm surprised I wrote anything at all at the end of them (and I see now, that I skipped writing anything in 2021 for an end of year review).

This year has been strange, to say the least.  2023 brought joy (the birth of my neice) and sorrow (the death of my nephew). It had it's share of bittersweet, to say the least.

Leaving Parks and Recreation for the Administrative Office of the Courts mid-year, brought me a well-loved job and new friendly faces to get to know.

This year, I've been able to visit the coast far more frequently than in years past.  With my new job allowing me to telework 3 days a week, I'm able to do it more frequently, though I do still telework from Raleigh as well.  It's something I'd like to do more of next year, as I will make it a top priority in 2023.

I had the wonderful opportunity to go to the mountains for my birthday, and spend it with the man I adore.  And I was lucky enough to squeeze in a trip to the outter banks this year as well.  Okracoke, for the first time ever.

I've already set aside a journal prompt for twice a month for next year.  I hope that I can stick with it, because I've been terrible about journaling and meditating.  It's amazing how when I'm not stressed out, I don't think about it at all.  But I know it should be an important piece of my life, because it would make these year-end reviews so much easier to write! lol

I've had to sing a farewell song to my Honda CRV.  It was a very sad moment. And although I continue to miss the CRV, I am so grateful I was able to replace it with a Mini Cooper. (Let's be honest, I'm grateful I was able to replace it at all!)  

One of the things I'm really surprised at, is how many books I read this year.  And that's mostly because for some of the books I started reading, if they didn't engage my interest (even if it was a follow up to something I liked), I put it down and had no regrets.  I'm embracing "the time is not right for this" and "I absolutely hate this, so why am I trying to finish it?" as a standard mentality.  Maybe it's because I'm middle-aged that I've decided my time is not to be wasted on things I despise or am even lack-luster about, unless they are essential to my survival.  So, 30 out of the 34 books I attempted, is pretty darned good, I think!  It's not my best, but it's not zero!

And just for a recapture, even though my hard drive crashed last year, from what I could recount, I had at least 13 that I was able to account for (thank you library history!)

I haven't done any baking, and not much experimenting in the kitchen this year.  And I'm kind of sad about that.  But I've been on auto-pilot.  And with the health challenge from earlier this year, that knocked a lot of my energy to do anything about it right out of me.  It was survival mode, and nothing more.

Things I'm particularly grateful for include spending time with friends and family this year, surviving the health issue (it's chronic, not covid), and changing my job for more freedom and slightly better pay (which means less stress).

I think one of the the most important things I'd like to focus on next year is organization.  I want to keep my inbox at work as tidy as I have been able to keep it this year.  And I want to just continue to organize my life.  I know, super boring, right?


How's your year been?  What are you most grateful for this past year?  What can't you get enough of and want to bring into next year?

Fibromyalgia/I've been thinking

I've been thinking a lot lately about a statement that was said to me.

"You're not very nice when you're in pain"

The problem is, I'm always in pain.  Thank you Fibro.
So, that means that I'm never nice.  And that really sucks.  Because I try to hide it, but I guess it just is who I am now.  I. Am. Mean.  That is now part of my character.  And I have to learn to accept it, much like I've had to accept and work within the bounds of my Fibro itself.

This isn't how I used to be.  I used to be able to do things.  Normal things.  I used to be a relatively nice person (I thought).  I used to...

If "used to" were wishes, I would have wishes to spare.  But, they aren't, I'm don't, and I need to deal.

That sucks.

Enough

I read this today and thought that it sounded so familiar.  Any time I look at my goals, they're always just to be "enough."  Enough of a mother, enough of a woman, enough of a person, on and on and on.

It was comforting to see that someone else addressed it too, and in such an elegant way.

One of my thoughts about the article as I read it was that chronic illness warriors tend to have different standards of "enough" than others do.  A normal person's every-day normal functions are a huge accomplishment for chronic illness warriors.  

On good days, my "enough" can include working at my job, grocery shopping, prolonged walking, etc.  But on a bad day, I consider it a victory to get out of the bed at all.  It's amazing if I can make it to the bathroom or kitchen to get items to care for my illness flare.  

My challenges are different than other chronic illness warriors.  Some would consider standing a victory.  Others would consider not having a migraine (or less of one) a great day.  And others would be over the moon if they could simply wear their shoes without pain, or their wedding rings without having knuckle swelling issues to combat.

Anyway, just putting this out there to know that someone else out there is thinking that mediocre is still "enough" and that's okay.

What Fibromyalgia is to me

People with fibro have all different sorts of symptoms. I wanted to make a list of what my particular pain feels like. Feel free to say in the commentsts what your fibro is to you.

• The cloth on my pants rubbing against the top of my foot, causing it to "burn" ot have an electric hum to it.

  

  My finger "look" fine. But they aren't.

• My hands feeling like they are fat and bloated to the point where i cant bend them, but nothing looks wrong with them. They just feel huge and uncooperative. But they look perfectly normal.
• My head and hands especially, but my whole body feels tiny and fragile, like it could so easily snap and break.
• Feeling as if my whole body is bruised. But it isn't
• Walking on fire, or needles, or numbness in toes. Also, the feeling of having blisters on my feet where there are none. (This was my first symptom)
• Inability to complete a sentence, thought, or action.
• Lack of focus and motivation (probably a lack of motivation due to shit being done wrong when i do it, or being incomplete if i do).
• Inability to hold my anger. I will snap at a moments notice, and it is because my patience has been exhausted with trying to be publicly nice while in pain at work or social events that I can't postpone.
• Severe fatigue. Like "can't keep eyes open while driving" fatigue.  I mean "it's one more exit, hold it together. Body doesn't care, you better stop now," fatigue.
• Jumpy legs wont let me sleep without drugs.
• Insomnia either to do with jumpy legs or for a different or non reason.
• Self respect plummeting as you realize you cant do anything for yourself.
• Tingling or numbness in extremities, and on one side vs the other, or top half vs bottom, or any combo at any given time.
• Everything is more sensitive. If you tap me on the arm or shoulder i will scream at you while cowering from that touch.
• Phantom nerve pain. There is nothing there, but it feels like the same pain as the pants (see bullet one). Seriously, it happens in my hands and there is nothing there. No fabric. Nothing. 
• Phantom stab.  Just like above, except my nerves think they are being stabbed, instead of electrocuted.
• I cant get warm.  I am fecking freezing.  
• I dont want to move. Seriously. If i can find a position where i dont feel like i am being electric shocked or stabbed, or anything, I wont want to move until it is absolutely necessary for me to do so.  This causes me to be late for everything, when i am always punctual any other time.   I dont want to move. Dont make me. Please, tell me i dont have to do whatever it is that is going to cause me to move.  I dont want to adult. Oh i WILL, but no one is going to be happy about it.
• Extreme sensitivity to hot or cold. Unless it is luke-warm, it's either fire or ice.
• Feeling claustophobic.  Maybe this goes ba k to painful touch.

I may think of more later. But this is everything I've had this week.