Sunday, June 12, 2016

A final thought

I have a parting thought before I log off:  No matter what you give, it will never be enough to satisfy expectations that people have of you.  So, give wisely to those who deserve and appreciate it. Not everyone deserves what you give.

Thursday, June 2, 2016


Every day, I pass a sign in the museum that says "How will you make a difference?"

It's about climate and environment, but every day it makes me think.  And every day I think differently.  Sometimes I feel that the answer is "I won't" and other times I see the answer as "through my actions" and other days I find the answer is "through my inaction."

No answer is completely correct; just as no answer is completely incorrect either.

Sometimes we feel tiny and insignificant and full only of our own little sphere that we have influence over.  Some days that sphere is smaller than other days. And so the answer can be "I won't" on those days.  On days when you aren't influencing your sphere, and you remain quiet and passive, you make very little - if any - impact.

Other times, our action and reaction to our little (or moderate) sphere makes impacts.  We smile at someone and compliment their shoes, they go forth with a brighter light and make an impact on their sphere in some way.  Or, you extend yourself to another being in your sphere and challenge their perception by discussion.  Perhaps you both remain unchanged, but perhaps not.  Alternatively your small action of recycling can make a difference to the planet and the animals that inhabit it.  Every time I clip a soda can holder, I think of a turtle that won't have a cinched waistband, and hope that a bird doesn't get it's beak stuck into someone else's trash; someone who didn't take the time to clip their rings, or simply doesn't know about the impact that makes.

Which brings me to my inaction making an impact.  What if someone hasn't been told that there's a chance that wildlife will either choke on, or become otherwise impeded, by this 6-pack-ring.   That something so simple that takes seconds to do (and happens to be incredibly satisfying, for some odd reason), can make a difference.  What if even knowing that, I decide that I just don't care?  What if I decide that I just can't spare those 5 seconds, or I just can't find the scissors, or I just can't ________.  Maybe it won't impact an animal the first time I throw it away whole.  But maybe it will.  If everyone just gives up and says "I don't care" then all the small impacts are made so much larger.

So, getting back to the "how will you make a difference" question:  Maybe we won't.  Maybe we will.  But, more likely than not, we will make a difference, but just won't ever know what kind of difference we made.

And just because I can, here are some pictures of the bonnet-head shark.  They might not be especially good, but they're still pretty awesome in my opinion.  So, you're all welcome.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Fibromyalgia/I've been thinking

I've been thinking a lot lately about a statement that was said to me.

"You're not very nice when you're in pain"

The problem is, I'm always in pain.  Thank you Fibro.
So, that means that I'm never nice.  And that really sucks.  Because I try to hide it, but I guess it just is who I am now.  I. Am. Mean.  That is now part of my character.  And I have to learn to accept it, much like I've had to accept and work within the bounds of my Fibro itself.

This isn't how I used to be.  I used to be able to do things.  Normal things.  I used to be a relatively nice person (I thought).  I used to...

If "used to" were wishes, I would have wishes to spare.  But, they aren't, I'm don't, and I need to deal.

That sucks.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

I wanna know the story

Every Sunday, I read the Post Secret blog. And sometimes it makes me feel hopeful. Simetumes it makes me feel whistful. But mostly it makes me feel curious.

When I come across a secret that is profound, or resonates, with me I can't help but wonder if their curcumstances are similar, worse or better than what would cause me to write that statement.
I wonder if, for instance, this person is talking about losing people via death or by loss of friendship, or by loss of lovers.  What did they learn? Does it get easier? Harder?  Do they regret the parting or do they wish they had made it sooner?  What drove them to write that statement?  Did they lose a child, perhaps?  Did they part with a close friend? Or did a part of them die inside that they're saying goodbye to?  So many different scenarios. So many different meanings.  So many different things that could be learned.

The statement is vague, but it resonates with me for some reason.  Probably because of all the possibilities that it could mean.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016


I can almost guarantee that the ladies out there will know the feeling I'm about to talk about. And hopefully some of the gentleman out there will understand it as well.

It isn't so much the feeling as it is the cause of it that has me stymied right now.

I feel, decidedly, un-pretty today.  Just blah.  Nothing in particular was horribly wrong.  My makeup was on point, my hair was okay (not great, but not horrible), my clothes were okay, and my hormones should be fine.  So, WHY do I feel apathetic about my look today?  There was no one thing that stood out as being off.  I can understand feeling this way during certain times of the month, but again -hormones are okay right now.

So, does anyone else ever feel this way WITHOUT cause?  It's a mystery to me.

Friday, February 5, 2016


I read this today and thought that it sounded so familiar.  Any time I look at my goals, they're always just to be "enough."  Enough of a mother, enough of a woman, enough of a person, on and on and on.

It was comforting to see that someone else addressed it too, and in such an elegant way.

One of my thoughts about the article as I read it was that chronic illness warriors tend to have different standards of "enough" than others do.  A normal person's every-day normal functions are a huge accomplishment for chronic illness warriors.  

On good days, my "enough" can include working at my job, grocery shopping, prolonged walking, etc.  But on a bad day, I consider it a victory to get out of the bed at all.  It's amazing if I can make it to the bathroom or kitchen to get items to care for my illness flare.  

My challenges are different than other chronic illness warriors.  Some would consider standing a victory.  Others would consider not having a migraine (or less of one) a great day.  And others would be over the moon if they could simply wear their shoes without pain, or their wedding rings without having knuckle swelling issues to combat.

Anyway, just putting this out there to know that someone else out there is thinking that mediocre is still "enough" and that's okay.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

What Fibromyalgia is to me

People with fibro have all different sorts of symptoms. I wanted to make a list of what my particular pain feels like. Feel free to say in the commentsts what your fibro is to you.

  • The cloth on my pants rubbing against the top of my foot, causing it to "burn" ot have an electric hum to it.
    My finger "look" fine. But they aren't.
  • My hands feeling like they are fat and bloated to the point where i cant bend them, but nothing looks wrong with them. They just feel huge and uncooperative. But they look perfectly normal.
  • My head and hands especially, but my whole body feels tiny and fragile, like it could so easily snap and break.
  • Feeling as if my whole body is bruised. But it isn't
  • Walking on fire, or needles, or numbness in toes. Also, the feeling of having blisters on my feet where there are none. (This was my first symptom)
  • Inability to complete a sentence, thought, or action.
  • Lack of focus and motivation (probably a lack of motivation due to shit being done wrong when i do it, or being incomplete if i do).
  • Inability to hold my anger. I will snap at a moments notice, and it is because my patience has been exhausted with trying to be publicly nice while in pain at work or social events that I can't postpone.
  • Severe fatigue. Like "can't keep eyes open while driving" fatigue.  I mean "it's one more exit, hold it together. Body doesn't care, you better stop now," fatigue.
  • Jumpy legs wont let me sleep without drugs.
  • Insomnia either to do with jumpy legs or for a different or non reason.
  • Self respect plummeting as you realize you cant do anything for yourself.
  • Tingling or numbness in extremities, and on one side vs the other, or top half vs bottom, or any combo at any given time.
  • Everything is more sensitive. If you tap me on the arm or shoulder i will scream at you while cowering from that touch.
  • Phantom nerve pain. There is nothing there, but it feels like the same pain as the pants (see bullet one). Seriously, it happens in my hands and there is nothing there. No fabric. Nothing. 
  • Phantom stab.  Just like above, except my nerves think they are being stabbed, instead of electrocuted.
  • I cant get warm.  I am fecking freezing.  
  • I dont want to move. Seriously. If i can find a position where i dont feel like i am being electric shocked or stabbed, or anything, I wont want to move until it is absolutely necessary for me to do so.  This causes me to be late for everything, when i am always punctual any other time.   I dont want to move. Dont make me. Please, tell me i dont have to do whatever it is that is going to cause me to move.  I dont want to adult. Oh i WILL, but no one is going to be happy about it.
  • Extreme sensitivity to hot or cold. Unless it is luke-warm, it's either fire or ice.
  • Feeling claustophobic.  Maybe this goes ba k to painful touch.
I may think of more later. But this is everything I've had this week.