One tends to add things to their persona over time, without really realizing that they're becoming part of their character. It's only at the crossroads in life that
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Stuart Miles via
I was happy in my last identity. But, circumstances have made me re-evaluate and examine the weaknesses in my being. I need to determine if these weaknesses need to be fortified, or if they are essential to a part of my character that I don't want to change. For example: I may hurt now because of them, but would I so easily mute my compassionate nature simply because it lays me open to possible obliteration at some point? These are all things that you cross-examine when you are at a crossroads.
So, here are the things I'm examining in me and thinking about changing:
- I make too few demands. I never wanted to be a high-maintenance person. But, in going with the flow and being able to adjust my sails against any particular wind that may blow my way, I have decided that being a chameleon may not necessarily be in my favor always. I never wished to be inflexible until this moment. But now, I feel that perhaps some rigidity of nature may be required. The problem is, that by doing that, I close myself off to so many new experiences simply because of having a fixed standard.
So, do I become the bitch with standards and demands and needs that absolutely must be met? Or do I continue to be open to almost everything? This is a fundamental question that would completely change my makeup.
It also begs the question (as they are intrinsically linked) should I require more and be less giving? Or should I continue to take people at their face value and what they're willing to give without ever requiring more from them?
- Who do I allow to look into my eyes and truly see me? Eyes are the window to the heart. Who will I allow to see that? Shall I avert my gaze more frequently? I used to do this quite often - not look people directly in the eye. Or shall I just look at them with my shields up (that glossy front of semi-authenticity that can be raised when you first meet someone that I almost never use).
In fact, the first man I looked in the eyes is the first man I fell in love with. So, looking directly into the eyes - and allowing the shields to be down while doing so - seems to be to my detriment.
So, do I continue to allow my eyes authentic interactions? Or do I put my shields up, or eyes lowered or centered on a fixed point on their face?
- I normally question all motives eventually. But often I give people the benefit of the doubt and take what they say at face value - until they prove me wrong. Perhaps I should be more skeptical of other peoples motives and pay closer attention to not only what they're saying, but why.
But, honestly, I don't know if I have the energy to devote to this change. it may be one of the most important changes, but how much of my life to I want to spend running around in my head going in circles. I feel too, that this may breed paranoia. I think when my internal gut tells me something is up, that's soon enough. Scratch this change.
Things that I will never change about my person:
- I will be protective over Leilani and my dearest friends. The tiger/dragon will not allow anyone to hurt them without massive repercussions.
- I will continue to be jaded in my view of life, love, and happiness. Because hope sucks. Hope is a temporary high on a roller coaster, and I'd rather live on a level playing field with room to lay in the sun.
- I will continue to revel in the joys of the little and simple things daily. Like tea, a genuine hug, a movie at the end of the day, bubbles, a breeze on a warm day, snowflakes on your eyelashes, smiles, nature, the beauty of my workplace, etc.
- I will still geek-out and fan-girl when I find something cool/adorable/beautiful/fun.
- I will still sing in the car if I love the song. And I will sing in the shower if I feel like it. And I will hum while I put my makeup on.
- I will continue to be unapologetic for anything about myself that people don't like. If I like it, and it harms none, then other peoples opinions don't matter. That said, if a critique is valid, I will listen and adjust (and I do ask certain people - you know who you are - for feedback).
- I will still believe in the beauty of me, my darkness, and my quiet. Not sure if my presence will be a soothing as it used to be after my regeneration, but if it is, I will love and revel in that.
- I will still not change my core being for anyone but me.
Do you like who you are? What would you change if you took a hard look at yourself? What would you keep? What do you enjoy most about being you right now in this moment?