Wednesday, February 4, 2015

The episode wherein I wasn't enough

In November 2014, I found out that i was to be layed off in January 2015. Although, my initial thought was to chronical the emotions and effects that this had on me, I ultimately decided against it at the time. But, I still warred with myself over that decision.  Today, the writing faction of my psyche won.

Because today I feel betrayed.  I know that I will ultimately land on my feet.  But, knowing that doesn't make it easier to know that my parking space has been taken, my keys re-distributed, and my office to (eventually) be repurposed. Today, I know that it was my skillset that wasn't valued.  And what am I, if not my skillset?

This isn't a startling revelation. It has come to me before. But, now that everything is finalized in this divorce from my 17yr marriage to my job, it hurts more. To know that I wasn't enough. And it feels like -although I always stretched beyond my capacity - I, ultimately, couldn't be molded into the employee that they wanted/needed.

And that, my friends, is why it feels more like a failed relationship, and less like a layoff.
And.it.fucking.sucks.  So, I am going to post this old photo I took of a rainbow outside my house, to remind me that I shouldn't care that I wasn't enough. Because it's a rainbow. Just feckin go with it.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Favorite Memory of 2014

The writing challenge this week is to tell about your favorite memory from the past year.

Kure Beach, April 2014
2014 was a rough year, as six months of it went by cramming 16 hours of work into 8 hours a day.  But the other six months had some wonderful memories.  And my favorite, by far, was the solitude and bliss of going to the beach by myself.

Completely alone.  For the first time in my life.


It was wonderful.

Don't mistake me, I enjoyed going with friends and family as well, but for the first time EVER, I went alone.

Kure Beach, April 2014
The peace of not having to worry about a child in the surf (or satisfying her hunger, thirst, bathroom breaks, etc..).  Sitting there alone gave me the freedom to revel in my introversion.
I sat there, and wrote some reflections on the type of day it was.  Cool breeze, almost chilly.  Until the sun came out from behind the wisps of clouds.
I enjoyed the sound of nothing but the waves and a few seagulls bidding for attention.  I closed my eyes and thought of nothing.  Absolutely nothing.
I felt the sizzle of the sun on my skin.  I luxuriated in the glow of the mid-morning sunshine.
And I didn't care.  In that moment, I had no obligations or responsibilities.  It was me, my chair, and my beach bag.  That was it.  I was free.

I loved it so much, that I followed the trip up with another one - this time with a friend and children.  Just basking in the sun toes in the sand.