Sunday, July 26, 2015

What shall I regenerate as?

I almost feel like The Doctor - regenerating.  Instead, at least I get a little input as to what I re-invent myself as.

One tends to add things to their persona over time, without really realizing that they're becoming part of their character.  It's only at the crossroads in life that
Photo courtesy of
Stuart Miles via
 FreeDigitalPhotos.net
we examine, and rebuild, our identities.  


I was happy in my last identity.  But, circumstances have made me re-evaluate and examine the weaknesses in my being.  I need to determine if these weaknesses need to be fortified, or if they are essential to a part of my character that I don't want to change.  For example: I may hurt now because of them, but would I so easily mute my compassionate nature simply because it lays me open to possible obliteration at some point?  These are all things that you cross-examine when you are at a crossroads.

So, here are the things I'm examining in me and thinking about changing:


  • I make too few demands.  I never wanted to be a high-maintenance person.  But, in going with the flow and being able to adjust my sails against any particular wind that may blow my way, I have decided that being a chameleon may not necessarily be in my favor always.  I never wished to be inflexible until this moment.  But now, I feel that perhaps some rigidity of nature may be required.  The problem is, that by doing that, I close myself off to so many new experiences simply because of having a fixed standard.
    So, do I become the bitch with standards and demands and needs that absolutely must be met?  Or do I continue to be open to almost everything?  This is a fundamental question that would completely change my makeup.
    It also begs the question (as they are intrinsically linked) should I require more and be less giving? Or should I continue to take people at their face value and what they're willing to give without ever requiring more from them?
  • Who do I allow to look into my eyes and truly see me?  Eyes are the window to the heart.  Who will I allow to see that?  Shall I avert my gaze more frequently?  I used to do this quite often - not look people directly in the eye.  Or shall I just look at them with my shields up (that glossy front of semi-authenticity that can be raised when you first meet someone that I almost never use).
    In fact, the first man I looked in the eyes is the first man I fell in love with.  So, looking directly into the eyes - and allowing the shields to be down while doing so - seems to be to my detriment.
    So, do I continue to allow my eyes authentic interactions? Or do I put my shields up, or eyes lowered or centered on a fixed point on their face?
  • I normally question all motives eventually.  But often I give people the benefit of the doubt and take what they say at face value - until they prove me wrong.  Perhaps I should be more skeptical of other peoples motives and pay closer attention to not only what they're saying, but why.
    But, honestly, I don't know if I have the energy to devote to this change.  it may be one of the most important changes, but how much of my life to I want to spend running around in my head going in circles.  I feel too, that this may breed paranoia.  I think when my internal gut tells me something is up, that's soon enough.  Scratch this change.

Things that I will never change about my person:
  • I will be protective over Leilani and my dearest friends.  The tiger/dragon will not allow anyone to hurt them without massive repercussions.
  • I will continue to be jaded in my view of life, love, and happiness.  Because hope sucks.  Hope is a temporary high on a roller coaster, and I'd rather live on a level playing field with room to lay in the sun.
  • I will continue to revel in the joys of the little and simple things daily.  Like tea, a genuine hug, a movie at the end of the day, bubbles, a breeze on a warm day, snowflakes on your eyelashes, smiles, nature, the beauty of my workplace, etc.
  • I will still geek-out and fan-girl when I find something cool/adorable/beautiful/fun.
  • I will still sing in the car if I love the song.  And I will sing in the shower if I feel like it.  And I will hum while I put my makeup on.
  • I will continue to be unapologetic for anything about myself that people don't like.  If I like it, and it harms none, then other peoples opinions don't matter.  That said, if a critique is valid, I will listen and adjust (and I do ask certain people - you know who you are - for feedback).
  • I will still believe in the beauty of me, my darkness, and my quiet.  Not sure if my presence will be a soothing as it used to be after my regeneration, but if it is, I will love and revel in that.
  • I will still not change my core being for anyone but me.

Do you like who you are?  What would you change if you took a hard look at yourself?  What would you keep?  What do you enjoy most about being you right now in this moment?

Sunday, July 19, 2015

What to do, what to do...

After a ridiculously difficult week, complete with a Charlie-Sheen-like breakdown, I stand on the other side realizing that I haven't been this depressed since my mother died.

What I wonder is, should I attempt to see someone and medicate my way out of everything looking like, tasting like and feeling like ash. Or should I just pull through like I did then?  Am I strong enough to do it again?  Can I hope to reinvent myself on my own? Am I even going to like the person I become? I loved the old me.  I don't like me right now. What will I become?

I feel hopeless, lost, bitter and resigned.  One thing is very certain: when I finally DO like me again, I will never EVER let anyone change me again. Because there is NO reason in the world that I should ever have to rebuild myself the way I am going to have to now.