Friday, September 12, 2014

Am I doing this right?

In a few days my baby girl will officially be a teenager.
I streaked her hair blue.
That can't be a good
parenting decision, right?
My mom would have had a fit!

For some reason, this is hitting me SUPER hard.  I feel like my teaching moments are now over.

It feels like the first time you get behind the wheel after getting your license.  You've read the book, you took the test, and you passed.  But, this is the drive home from the DMV with your brand new license.  Let's see how badly you can fuck this up.

Well, that's what it feels like anyway.  I've taught her everything I know (and more, since I didn't know half the crap before I had to look it up on google or youtube).  And now, it's time to see if she drives straight into a pole, or if she makes it home intact, per-say.  

For some reason, this crippling doubt has crept in and can't be shaken.  Logically, I know that she will still be exactly the same as yesterday, tomorrow.  But I can't help feeling like I've failed her in some way.  In most ways.

I'm a horrible example and I hope she does better than me.  She didn't come with instructions on how NOT to screw it all up.  But, I still feel like I should have done more.

And, I'm feeling old now that she's a teen.  (ohmigawd, I can't believe I just typed that out loud!  She's a teen!  Someone hand me a paper bag, because I'm hyperventilating!)

I'm not going to lie, I'm totally freaking out.  Is this my early mid-life crisis?  

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

The part where it gets personal...

Let me just say up front that if you aren't interested in "female problems" don't bother to read any further. You are not going to like this post. So, just STOP. RIGHT. HERE!

okay?  okay.  Those of you along for the rest of the ride, buckle up beeches.

(I don't even know why I'm posting this onto the public blog and not my private one)  sigh. shakes head. i can't believe I'm doing this.

okay.  here goes.

You know when you're young - you don't question your ability to age normally (unless you start out with issues from the beginning, or your life has been intimately touched by someone who died early or had a different tragedy that changed their life forever).  Mentally, you still know that there are exceptions to this rule, and yet - for whatever reason - you still live like you have forever to make those goals/dreams/wishes come true.  (this is probably a brain defense/coping mechanism.)

Until, one day...you realize that you don't have forever.  Something happens to put a definitive end to an era in your life.  For instance, a parent dies, and you realize that you will never, EVER, get their opinion on something again. (even if it's on stuff you didn't want their opinion on to begin with!  You still wish you could pick that phone up and ask them to "get a load of this...")
Other times, it's the end of a relationship.  It's never the beginning.  Only the end.

We spend so much time on "one more class and I can finish the semester" and "I can't wait for the summer to get here..wow I can't believe it's Christmas already!" that we lose sight of the day to day finality of things until the end of the era (you graduate, the year is over, etc...).

Almost 13 years ago, I had my sweet baby girl.  I assumed (wrongly) that I'd follow that up with a second at some point.  After all, when my mom died my sisters were my rocks.  How could I live without them?  So, how could I possibly deprive my daughter of the same strength in numbers?
But only one of us wanted another child.  And, I confess, my heart wasn't totally in it; since my main life's goal is to retire so I can do whatever the ham sammich I want.
I do really want a baby.  But I don't want to be the only one who wants it (I need sleep too).  Even though they grow up into their own person, that child is still an almost-non-sever-able bond between two people who conceived the whole diabolical plot to get no sleep and be broke forever.

When I was 24, I said "I want to wait till she's at least 10"  When she hit 10 and I hit ahem..late20something... I started to seriously consider the possibility.  But, without consent of a partner, there was little to be done. (believe me, I tried.)

Now, that chapter is coming to a close.  I stand facing the real possibility that I will not have another child.  Yesterday that wouldn't have bothered me so much.  But today, since the possibility is real, it - honestly - scares me.  Will I get weepy around others' babies now that I know that era will forever be closed in the story of my life?  I'm only thirty-friggin-four!  It's utterly absurd and I can't wrap my head around the enormity of it.

And that leads me to the what ifs.
What about all the other dreams I had that I've quashed?
Is it time to re-evaluate my life and finally rid myself of the tar that keeps me stuck?  Should I move away and do something that I would satisfy my life, if not my biological clock?
See, this is where I always get torn.  I'm working so that eventually I won't HAVE to work unless I want to.  If I were to chuck it all to the wind and do something that I would fancy, I feel like I'm giving that goal up.  But then, there's the other part of me that realizes that mom died at 47, and I only have about 12-15 years left (as her mom died at 52) to do what I want.  But, at 52, I can retire if I stay the current course!
ugh.
I go round, and round, and round.

I don't really want an answer.  (I also know that I won't get one.)
I just need to send this out into the great wide open.  I feel like I need to share this while I still can.  Because someday, my sweet baby girl will read this (maybe tomorrow, or maybe 10 years from now), and I hope it gives her the urge to do what ever the hell she wants to (contrary to everything I've taught her so far).  Even the stuff I told her was impractical.
Go sing in a band at night while you work a day shift somewhere.  That's where your passion lies, then do it.  Don't get caught in the trap of "adult."
If you want to act or write, do it.  But don't saddle your partner with the responsibilities of being an adult while you go off and pursue your dreams.  I'd rather you not have a partner at all, if that's the case.  Woman up, and do both.
Don't settle for anyone (partner or friend) who doesn't respect you and admire your talents and gifts, because you are worth more.
And, lastly, don't get caught in the trap that is parenthood until you are SERIOUSLY ready to be bound to 2 other people for the rest of your life.  And then have more than 1.  Because I'm sorry I didn't when I had the chance.