Goals

As I was searching for some loose leaf paper, I came across a sheet that had my goals written down.  I was 10 days shy of turning 16 when I had written them. 

Most of them were religious dogma that had been brainwashed into me.  It was interesting to see how it coloured my perception so thoroughly.

I made good on only one of my goals.  And that goal was more if a veiled curse.  In a way, I'm really quite glad I didn't achieve a single one of them.  But, there's no doubt that the "stable job with steady income being an architect" would have been an interesting diversion if it had ever existed, but it also probably would have sucked all the joy out of my love for architecture.

Some goals are meant to be left behind unfulfilled.

Perhaps my one single clear-minded goal that I am working towards now is meant to be left unachieved.  It's hard to tell when you are working towards it in the moment.  The focus, the determination, they all take up so much mental effort that it sometimes is hard to see the forest when you are staring at a single tree.

I only know that this goal is something I have wanted my whole life.  Although it was shrouded in religion when I was 15, it is something that I have always wanted.  (After all, it was number 2 on my list back then.)  It seasons the overarching theme of my life throughout. 

But, I'm pretty tired of chasing this dream.  Pretty damn tired that I am nearly ready to give up.  There are so many people who would scoff at it, saying it's not a real goal.  There are so many people who would tell me it is unachievable. Perhaps they are right.  Perhaps it is time to give up on the dream.  I just don't know.